hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
