would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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