Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
