Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
