i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
