You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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