i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
