First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
