nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
