I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Come back. Shots need mouths.