Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.