Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
