I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
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Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
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Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
me + whiskey = a bad person
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man