morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
