Your favorite bartender is back from prision
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
