I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
