Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
