I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
