oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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