I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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