Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
