sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
