No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
