I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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