Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
