Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''