I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.