yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
