No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
