I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
