first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
