Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
