She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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