i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
