In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
