Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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