I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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