She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
