Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
