i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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