My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Let's get the cat blown out
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
