The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize