i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I currently don't understand fingers.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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