Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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