Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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