Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
