when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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