I accidentally burped into my bong.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
i think my cat just said my name.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
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