stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
