Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
