I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
