I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
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