hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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