My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
