I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
