Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
