totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
