Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
