I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
ttyl tear gas
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
