Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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