she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
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my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
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Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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