I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
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i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
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It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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